The "moment" came to me later in life. I didn't grow up in a church or around Christians. My parents were un-churched but raised us siblings with some semblance of morality. I'll spare you the reader of my childhood and all the music stuff in college; except to say while in my freshman year my mother found a religion. Unfortunately for me and the rest of my family, this sect doesn't include honoring holy-days, i.e. Christmas. Coming home after the fall semester I found no Christmas. This left me despondent to say the least. Not that Christmas was celebrated properly, but neither was it commercial; there was no togetherness nor love.
I left college after my junior year because I fell in love. I figured that eventually I would return to finish up my degree, and it didn't really matter if it was a year or two postponed. A month or so after I married the love of my life, my wife's parents separated. A few months later, my parents separated. For my part, I did not handle these things very well. Many things went wrong back then, but the lack of money and our families breaking apart were the most serious issues. One fine cold wintery morning, after working all night, my wife informed me that she didn't feel the same way for me as she had. She felt that we should separate and that I should go back to school. My marriage didn't last 2 years, although we were legally married for 3. To summarize this section of my life: heartbreak & fear. The fear of being alone let depression creep in.
I moved back to the college town and worked 2 jobs. Somewhere inside I figured I'd get back in school. That all went out the window after I began dating again: music, cars, motorcycles & women. The nightlife of one's youth, one party looking for the next. I moved around over the next few years from apartment to apartment, job after job. Eventually, I got an entry level job in a machine shop and worked my way up the food chain. I stopped dating and fornicating, dealing with the loneliness on my own. The loneliness I felt inside with the stress of life led to alcohol becoming the remedy for my ills. I didn't believe in a god and only believed that I would figure out a way to be successful and happy. Then I found legal trouble: OWI. Enough of that.
One day after setting up a cnc lathe for a new job, I bent over a crate that contained the forgings I had to turn/cut on the lathe when something felt wrong in my lower back. An hour later: extreme, intense paralyzing pain. I couldn't get out of a chair, couldn't walk...nothin. I called my sister, she drove an hour to take me home. I barely fell out of the car and crawled through the door of my apartment. I'll sum this up: A ruptured disc followed by a surgery that became complicated by MRSA (Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus). Just when I thought I was getting my life on track, I find my back is 80 years old.
In the midst of all this chaos, another OWI. Oh the woes of loneliness, depression, anxiety and physical pain without God. While I was serving my jail sentence, being physically in pain, mentally broken and humbled in spirit, I spent most of my time reading in my cell. I was fortunate enough to have a single, so I tried to keep to myself. The lowest part of my life. I thought for the first time, I just want to die. As I was digging through the new box of books rotated into the cell block, I stumbled upon a prison ministries pamphlet. I read it, then I dug in the box and found a Bible. I had read some of the Bible before, but during my stay I read it all the way through. I started going to the prison ministries that the local churches conducted, preaching the Bible to inmates. Something about these studies made me feel better about myself, so I kept attending. I attended them all. I started to believe there was a God. One of the studies was held by Jehovah's Witnesses and one of the inmates argued the trinity to them. I had remembered from my reading the King James Version the passage in 1 John 5 and blurted out, the 3 are one. I was corrected of course with the explanation about the passage being added much later than the originals.
I completed my debt to society and started reading and listened to the J.W's teachings. I love my mom and sister, and figured that I should try to learn about their faith. It didn't take very long before I had the feeling that what they were teaching was not right. I struggled to find a way to be able to work. As a physically challenged man (degenerative disc disease, a lot of scar tissue in the back and hip, compression of the vertebrae, psyiatica etc.... with weight restrictions), manual labor was out of the question. Not being able to stand for more than 45 minutes and not being able to sit for very long either made things darn near impossible. Mental skills, abilities and potential yes; a college degree for an employer to take a chance, no. Doctors prescribed meds for this, meds for that; anxiety this, pain that.
I started attending a "real" church and before long found myself drawn to singing in the choir. I felt good singing to God and wanted to please Him. I would read the Bible and attended Bible studies but I had difficulties reading because it made me sleepy. I also had difficulties praying because my thoughts ran together. I enjoyed being amongst the people and something was drawing me there, like a magnet I suppose. I repeated the words in Scripture and I knew Jesus died for my sins, but I didn't understand the trinity. I believed that God was there, but I didn't know saving faith. I feared God's judgement. I was obedient and tried to keep the appropriate moral standards but I only knew what others said. We're so proud of you. You're saved because you believe and you're always saved. To my mind, I was trying to do the things expected of me by God and the nagging doubt crept in, am I saved. I was so confused.
It was early spring, I think, when I tried to talk with the associate pastor about my prayer difficulties. The lady told me to write things down and read them (which confused me even more). After this my attendance became sporadic and the big depression ensued. I pondered and questioned within myself, but I didn't talk to God. I was afraid I had failed.
After some time had passed now in winter, I quit taking the anxiety & depression meds. Then I stopped all the different pain management meds I'd been on for 5 years. I began to read again, because my mind was free from all the clutter and random/racing thoughts. I read lot's of different things and the most important, the Bible.
I remember sitting and reading in my glider that late spring near my flower gardens. I stopped to ponder a bit, just staring at the southern sky. In my mind, I heard God speak to me. With my walking stick in hand I walked to the park and walked up the highest hill in the county. Through the pain, I put my knee on the ground and pleaded with the Lord. "My way does not work, please be with me and show me Your ways." That was "the moment," my quickening. Everything was different, more different than anything I can put into words. While my body was still stiff from pain & discomfort, I felt relief. I felt peace. I felt joy. I felt love. I prayed and I prayed from the heart in the shelter house on the top of that hill. A clarity came from "that day:" I was spiritually alive even though I didn't understand every detail and peace found me.
Romans 6:22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.
_________________ "All the blessings we enjoy are Divine deposits, committed to our trust on this condition, that they should be dispensed for the benefit of our neighbors."-John Calvin
Using the line from the famous hymn Amazing Grace "I was blind but now I see" I normally say I was dead but now I breathe. _________________ Martin Marsh
Soli Deo Gloria
I almost cried when I read this. Your story really touched my heart. Thank you so much for sharing it. I was feeling really down this morning and it reminded me once again just how the Good Shepherd always seeks after his own and will not leave them. _________________ Rhonda
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Interesting RTI Poll
Who is "the seed" of the woman mentioned in Genesis 3:15
